I’ve been married twice—the first time, it was because I had a child out of wedlock, and we tried to do the “right thing” by getting married about four years into our relationship. It wasn’t the best of times, and even though I loved the fact that I was part of his big family, we were so not meant for each other. But it was hard to break away because I hated to be alone.
But this second marriage—there was I thought, something different and better about it. After all, he was a “Christian” and we had a lot in common, especially both of us being musicians. We met at church through a friend, and even though I was told over and over again by the Spirit to “WAIT, Jeannette, PLEASE wait”, I ignored those pleas. I soon found myself not only thrilled to have someone in my life again, but within TWO WEEKS, he asked me to marry him, and I said YES! And within four months to the day we met, we were married.
As crazy as that sounds, it happened just like that. The pastor of our church tried to have us wait a while, at least six months or so, until we got to know each other better. But we wouldn’t hear of it; we were determined to be with each other, for we felt that we knew what we were doing. Besides, neither one of us wanted to be ALONE anymore. He was by himself for quite some time, and so was I. We figured we’d be alright because we were Christians, and God would be happy with our current choice, rather than who we had in our past.
Husband Number Two wasn’t married before like I was. Personality-wise, he was the complete OPPOSITE of Number One. That was one of the main reasons I was attracted to him. I realize now that when the Holy Spirit told me to “WAIT”, oh my soul—I should have LISTENED!! There were many issues with Husband Number Two that slowly but surely came out over the next several years. We didn’t have any children, and now I am grateful for that. But out of those thirteen years with him, the latter SIX were some of the loneliest times I had out of married life.
More and more it proved to be I made yet another wrong life choice. Four years before the marriage finally ended, he left me, and for the next three months of my life, it was horrific. As bad as our marriage was at that point, I didn’t want it to end. All the arguments and fights, all the nights one of us would be sleeping on the couch (most of the time it was me—he wasn’t giving up the bed), I couldn’t stand the fact that I just may be ALL ALONE AGAIN. That thought haunted me every single day.
We finally got back together after those three months, but the next four years was more of the same—living as roommates, hardly any intimate time, and even though we moved a couple of times hoping the new scenery and areas would help our marriage, the fact of the matter was, WE weren’t meant to be together either.
Once again, God proved Himself right—if He wasn’t the One ordaining the marriage to begin with, it wasn’t going to last. Once again, I failed. Once again, I found myself alone, at least for a short time, and then I fell into my bad habit again of having someone else to fill the “loneliness” gap for another two years, until finally, the Lord put the “brakes” on back in 2016. Through natural and supernatural means (He is the Revealer of secrets—see Daniel 2:27-28, 47)—when He’s ready to tell us those secrets, He “lifts the veil”, and puts the pieces of the puzzle together—at least enough of it for the time, so we can understand what He’s trying to tell us. For me, I was reminded about WHY the Spirit tried to me make me WAIT on Him back in 2000, and NOT be with anyone else. I needed that time for GROWTH in Him, and in myself. I never gave myself a break since I was 20 years old; I always either dated, or was involved in a long term relationship.
But what the Lord wanted me to do almost three years ago, was to me, very frightening. Being ALONE, by myself, having NO man to go out to dinner with, to be intimate with (but intimacy doesn’t just mean jumping into bed with each other, folks!)—after all, I AM a human; I do desire LOVE, and romance. I am a VERY passionate person, and to be without someone all this time has been sometimes excruciating!! But after what the Lord explained to me just WHO that person was—the “clues” He gave to me years ago, that I just ignored, and never gave another thought to—the Lord was TRYING TO HELP me not suffer any more with having the wrong guy in my life, and I basically blew Him off!
“What the HECK was I thinking?!”, I said to Him after He not only finally divulged the “mystery” of what He told me back in 2000, but He said that no matter what, I needed TIME to heal, and to start living the LIFE He had intended me to live. He didn’t just give me the gifts of music and writing to push aside and never use again; He wanted me not just to survive in this world, but to THRIVE, and FLOURISH. But—the “deal” was, it had to be on HIS terms (that means, according to HIS Word), and in HIS timing of it all.
One of the “terms” was, just what I am doing now—telling others of the very costly LIFE mistakes I made, and hoping that by telling others, especially the younger generation, they will HEED my warnings, and not repeat what I’ve done!
Hence the other part of the “terms” He set forth—to write them down not only in my Journal, and a Blog, but a BOOK. Actually, a series of books, so others can learn from my mistakes, and make better decisions based on the Bible, and having a PERSONAL relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ.
As far as the music portion goes, He led me to a church where I am currently on the Worship Team, and the Worship Leader and I are also in another band that sings and plays classic rock and roll, just for fun. That’s a “God Wink” story for another time.
Being married was always HIS plan for my life—choosing who I wanted, ended up being MY plan, not His. I have “reaped” what I’ve sown all those years ago. The loneliness I’ve felt came in waves these past few years on this “Season of Waiting” Journey; sometimes I feel like I’m going to crash and drown. But then the Lord “shows up”, and as if I can feel His arms around me, He lets me know that I am NOT ALONE; that I AM loved; that I AM worthy of “that man”’s love—when it’s TIME for it; that I have so many things to learn yet, and to also share with others, while I’m still a “solitary”. Until that time comes for God to let “him” into my life, I have to learn to appreciate this time, try and enjoy the Journey, and realize that even though I am by myself right now (and for the LONGEST period of my life, I may add!), I am NEVER alone, for He is always here with me.
Walking in the Dark with Faith 